masturbating ego (playing with oneself).

I. 
and by god, 
i swear, i think, 
i wish we could. 

II. 
note to self, 
everything you do 
is a note to self. 

you’re so selfish, 
self absorbed, 
i want the world 
to know it. 

clear off all meaning, 
just to be able 
to listen, 
but always speaking. 

never stop to 
listen, 
and start thinking i’m the star, 
the star in movie, 
the protagonist in novel. 

(what a novel idea- 
breaking oneself 
to feel special.) 

III. 
all a special joke, you know. 
planned out everything said, 
all movements, 
preplanned motions that don’t understand the 
     commotion. 

trying so hard to play it off, 
and be disconnected, 
making mental relations, 
while avoiding physical interactions. 
are you a lot closer than i thought? 

(can’t see what i’m writing. 
hand don’t move on instinct. 
don’t trust reflexes.) 

everything is filler, through filter 
in between the middle and the end, 
forgetting the beginning. 

so afraid of it ending right now. 

am no artist or hero or no thing. 
am so prehistoric, 
but the modern world keeps trying to change 
     with the times. 
but just wants to stay the same. 
remain like rats and roaches, and survive 
     through the nuclear age. 

IV. 
waiting for shadow 
to resemble regret, 
wishing i wasn’t so mad at the oceans 
of my days. 

everything so insincere, 
but really just wanting to connect. 
you connect to me, 
me remain so disconnected, 
so unaffected. 

so fuck it. fuck it. 

(was, just been trying 
to make the moment special 
for self.)

2000.

engaging in conversation.

          can we talk? can we? wondering the same question? keep thinking; people even talking to each other anymore, or just waiting for a turn to speak? no one listens. so is anyone engaging in conversation? are we just companions/ spectators for each others’ monologues? everyone as everyone else’s psychiatrist.

but what happens then to our sacred privacy? is anyone willing to risk their precious self? so i guess, yes, we can talk. but will we be listening to each other, or simply reply with preplanned conversation techniques learned to respond with, so as to seem interested or attentive in situations when one is not?

will we give a fuck about each other’s conversation? will we just bore ourselves?

humanity is mediocre and that’s it. so why not just get lost in mediocre conversation, and listen as well as mediocre selves can? listen our little mediocre hearts out. so yeah, we can talk. what you wanna talk about?

11.09.02.

color stupid (out of lines).

“hello students,
you have a new classmate. 
he is red.” 

teacher called me red, 
and i 
didn’t know why, 
but i 
should have realized 
it meant i 
would die. 

kids were all different. 
violet was mean and violent. 
yellow- shy. 
pink- sweet but silent. 

but no one got along 
because the teachers wouldn’t let us. 
teachers pointed out differences. 
and what the teachers taught us would only end up killing us. 

the kids made fun of everyone. 
yellow-green was a mutt, 
but didn’t understand what that meant. 
blue and green were always fighting, 
but didn’t understand why they fought. 
didn’t understand why no one got along. 

and in school--had a friend, 
they called him purple. 
and teacher said, 
we couldn’t play because we were different. 
teacher said colors weren’t supposed to mix. 

so when i got home, i ran inside, reached into my bookbag 
got an eraser and erased myself. 

and now i am invisible. and now i am invincible. 
and now i am invisible. and now i am invincible. 
and now i am invisible. and now i am invincible.