an education: wasted energy.

Frausto 123 Comments

You wait at home and then one day you get a college degree that comes in the mail. You get it in the mail because what they give you at the graduation ceremony is a blank sheet of paper. You get a blank sheet, but that’s if you had even gone. You never even got the blank sheet of paper. You get your college degree in an envelope at your parent’s house. And this should be it. You’ve finally made it, finally, right?

After years of waiting, working, waiting, waiting…

You remember grade school, your teacher telling you to finish college, that you’re so smart and not to waste your gifts. Your teacher tells you that you can go to college and be whatever you want when you grow up, and all the kids hate you because, why you? Why are you going to get to go to college and be whatever you want, but not them? Why not them?

You hide under your desk like a turtle into its shell. Wish you could leave and run away, and dig and dig inside your head to pull out pieces of brain to share with the rest.

You raise your hand to answer number five, and the teacher calls on you. You raise your hand to answer number six, number seven, then eight, and then nine. And the teacher asks you to give someone else a chance. The teacher asks, “Who knows number ten?” You keep quiet, and the teacher says, “No one knows number ten?” And all the kids say, “Carlos does!” And the teacher asks, “Carlos what’s number ten?”

You answer, and everyone sneers and rolls their eyes at you. You feel ashamed, and all you want to say is that it’s not your fault.

Now, you think that, maybe, it was conditioning, maybe you’ve been programmed. “Teacher, teacher, I’m your slave, a pet.” You always played along in school.

After years of waiting, you get your college degree in the mail. Soon, everyone will expect you to get a job, not the summer type, but the career kind.

Go online, send out resumes, apply for internships, check out grad schools, America Reads, Teach for America. You’re not ready for the real world.

You wish the real world were a worksheet you had all the answers for before everyone else.

And you wonder what the fuck you’re going to do with yourself today.

Remember high school, and your geometry teacher is standing over you while you take a test to ensure that you don’t copy from the Asian student sitting next to you.

You finish ten minutes before anyone else, and when the teacher passes back the test you get a 95. The student next to you an 86, but the teacher still stands over you anytime there’s a test for the rest of the year.

You learn to despise geometry and math.

And then you’re sitting in college in some Poli-Sci class, and the professor asks, “Carlos can you give us a Latino point of view?” All your classmates wait to listen to you because they think they’re hearing the voice of the streets, and your speech becomes so urban, and you start saying things like, “know what I’m sayin’,” and “for real yo”. You’re such a thug to them, and at home, in your apartment, you read Nietzsche for fun. One day your professor asks if you could curtail your language, and you just laugh inside. Sure you say, but wonder why ‘cause everyone else curses in the class.

But still you give your “Latino” point of view. In your head you think, I don’t know what the fuck every Latino thinks, and I don’t want to be a representative for a whole people.

But now it’s all done. After years of waiting. Years of waiting. Years of waiting. After years of waiting.

Nothing happens.

Nothing happens.

Soon the whole world will begin to pressure you to become like them, insignificant.

You take out your degree from the envelope and

well

that’s it.

Nothing happens, and you don’t want the rest of your life to be like that. You tell yourself that you cannot let yourself fall into a trap: school, work, and then you die.

What the fuck are you going to do today? What the fuck are you going to do tomorrow, and what will you be doing for the rest of your life?

You have a degree in graphic communications, but you don’t want to sell anything.

“There’s no point,” you start to think. Living in Chicago, nothing matters. And you want to leave because

after years of waiting

nothing happens.

And you start singing, “I’m a reasonable man get off my back, get off my back, get off my back.”

123 thoughts on “an education: wasted energy.”

  3. Yeah. I watch the kids working at the supermarket and I think you spent all that energy in school for this? My three very smart girl children, derailed into raising kids because they had no passion and lost to peer pressure. Peer pressure and no heroes/hi-achievers, to look at and be inspired by.Self starters are the heroes in life., not the gifted or the lucky.

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  6. Hello.
    I’m new to your blog and I must say that I love this piece you wrote, especially the part about the instructor thinking the narrator would cheat off his Asian classmate and how awkward it is when someone asks for your opinion thinking that a single individual would know what an entire group of people of color would think.

    I’m currently in college now and I have no idea if I’m just wasting time or if I should just get a degree so people won’t look down on me.

    Don’t stop writing!

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    • Thank you so much. I agree it’s so hard to know if the education you worked so hard to achieve is often times worth it. And after getting a master’s, am still not sure. Again, thank you so much for the encouraging words.

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    • Try not to think of college as something you have to do as much as an opportunity to find out what you want to do. I majored in mathematics and figured out too close to graduation that I really wanted to do computer science. Don’t coast your way through it, or it really will be a waste of your time.
      Because I ended up with a degree in something I didn’t want, I’m currently working at a supermarket. However, I am using this job to support myself as I work to publish my books, something people had told me for so long couldn’t be my main career. Writing has been my dream since I was thirteen, and I finally decided to stop pretending and start reaching for my dream.
      Find out what you want to do, not just what’s expected of you. That’s the only way you’ll be happy.

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      • When you wrote that writing has been your dream since you were 13 and that it was something that people told you could not be your main career, I had to stop and think to myself “Are you me? Are we the same person?” I completely understand what you meant. For as long as I’ve known that I wanted to grow up and be a fiction writer, people around me have attempted to convince me (or maybe I persuaded myself that they were right) that writing stories would have to be a side job.
        I’m glad that you’ve decided to start chasing your dream.
        As for me and college, I intend to obtain a degree in the sciences and acquire a job that can support me financially while I write. Hopefully everything works out for the best!

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      • Honestly, that was my idea, too, but I made the mistake of majoring in something that would require much more education to really utilize. Also, I’m not really passionate about anything outside my stories, and the people I work with are a very supportive group, so I feel like life has steered me in the right direction.

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      • I find it hard to be passionate about the field I’m majoring in. I’m also only passionate about my stories, so I definitely know what you mean. I’m happy to hear that life has steered you in the right direction. Best of luck with your writing!

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  8. This is raw and true. The golden handcuffs. We’ve been moulded to fit a structure that doesn’t necessarily allow us to be the best at who we are. There are already pre-packaged boxes waiting for us, and as you mention, peer pressure, society, whatever, really makes it difficult to break free of that mould. Well, your your words be your freedom.

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  10. I can just feel your anguish and all your emotions pouring out of this post. I totally get where you’re coming from where everyone tells your you are going to college, and they are acting like they won’t. I didn’t go to harvard like they teased me I would, but who knows if my life would have been any better than it is now. instead, I’m stuck in a job that I strongly dislike with a bachelor’s degree in psychology and no idea what to do with the rest of my life or what kind of career would even make me happy.

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    • At 18/19, heck even 20, we’re all just way too young to know what we want to do with the rest of our lives. I’m in my 30s now, and still question myself about it all the time like, is this what I want to do when I’m 60? Good luck on your own personal quest.

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      • Frausto,
        First of all, thank you for liking my Poeme pour Mustapha. I am honored. I read your piece on education because, well, education is the lifeblood of us all. Without it, we are nothing. Your piece is most poignant.

        I, too, went into debt for college because my parents could not pay for me to attend. It took me ten years to pay it off, all the while barely subsisting on my meager salary. At times, I also questioned the worth of my education. Degree in hand, I launched my career with all the expectation of anyone who spent four years growing up on campus. But campus is not the real world. And so I spent the next decade in the real world. And many decades thereafter. My first job out of college was as a clerk typist in a publishing company. I felt disappointed, to say the least. I wanted to be the editor instead. With time, I eventually did become an editor…not at a publishing house, but for magazines one after the other. I realized that the degree was not a guarantee. It was only a beginning. I had conquered college, but not life. And the beauty of it is that conquering life is a continuous journey. I know this after much trial and error. I am still trying to decide what I want to do next.

        Life is all about living, Frausto. It’s about discovering the next most wonderful challenge on the horizon. And then going for it. I have always written down my goals for life. I surprise myself sometimes. I have reached almost all of them so far. It took many decades, though. I am still not there; I want to publish a novel some day. But I never want to have an empty goals list. It’s when you have no goals that you get into trouble. That’s when you quit. Or you start to blame others for your misery.

        Your piece “wasted energy” weaves together some of today’s educational ills, that is true. And you portray those troubles in a beautifully articulate manner. Your teacher should have asked you what YOU think, not what your ancestors think! To assure transparency here, I am a former French teacher, so I know all about teaching. Society has gotten too carried away with everyone’s background and we don’t honor and respect just who we are, not the person they think we are, but who we are…plain and simple.

        A friend the other day relayed a story of her visit to Mexico for a vacation. People there actually got angry with her because she spoke no Spanish and, by golly, she LOOKED like she should speak Spanish. That dark, silky hair, bronzed skin and deep, chocolate eyes revealed just enough about her ancestry that others made up their minds instantly about her. True, a great grandmother somewhere on her family tree was from Mexico; but my friend is American as apple pie. She was perplexed by the incident and a little intimated. Multiply that by every classroom in America and therein lies the problem.

        Keep writing, Frausto. Your natural talent will be your ticket to life. The degrees are there to just help prop you up…and they are part of the journey.

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  11. This is awesome. I get it. I’m a teacher and I get it still because I don’t want to contribute to more students feeling like I did and like you- like we are always out to achieve achieve achieve – it’s never enough. Thank you for sharing.

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    • Thank you so much. I’m a teacher as well. I wrote this a few years after I had started teaching. Glad another educator has enjoyed it. It’s hard to let students ever enjoy just being kids and being human. Instead of teaching students that this world is a journey which you get to explore in order to discover yourself, we end up teaching that this is a world in which you will be assessed and assessed and assessed until you graduate and then you will be evaluated and evaluated to ensure one is productive. It’s just a sick cycle sometimes.

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  12. This is powerful my brother! I certainly sympathize with that sad reality of being that “guy” that is mouthpiece for mythical monolithic group. I often played “dumb” in the quest to be left alone.

    I too have wrestled with the virus of insignificance, but I see that your calling is in the medium of words.

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  14. “… You’re such a thug to them, and at home, in your apartment, you read Nietzsche for fun…” Now that has me chuckling.
    I wish you’d record this Frausto. I can hear it recited in a cafe.
    Well done!
    Ellespeth

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      • I hope. one day, you will…I can hear this read aloud- but only in my own voice. I’d truly appreciate this in your voice…it has a bit of bop and the late 90’s to it. And, of course, our graduates of today.. “You have a degree in graphic communications, but you don’t want to sell anything…” how often that is true…for any of us.
        I’ve enjoyed this…I must, really, keep reading and supporting your work as you do mine. I apologize for not visiting more often. It’s difficult to read and keep a private voice going on. I’m sure you understand this…
        Ellespeth

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  17. Love this post. I bought it all when I was a teenager: get good grades, go to a good school, etc. I’m proud of what I achieved in the classroom but my real education didn’t begin until after my BA. It took getting a Master’s for me to realize that most ‘education’ is a con. Now, I want to teach so I can give kids better advice. I want to teach them to think critically, to value themselves, to trust their instincts, do what they love and never, never fail into the trap of thinking a degree is going to tell them how to live their life.

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  18. Sitting on my morning break, 7 years in the cubical for my (temporary) job that was supposed to bridge the gap til I get to I don’t even know where anymore. Amos Lee’s Black Water on Pandora. Totally feeling this piece. For real yo.

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  19. Very beautiful, and honest! This really spoke to me. I was similar in my grade and high school years. Thank you for sharing. Currently, I’m facing an issue and this post has really helped give me a better outlook. Thank you again!

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  20. It took me ages to pay off the debt from my undergrad. Now I am on the pay-as-you-go plan for graduate school. I don’t regret it but would not advise many people to pursue the academic route without careful thought. My gift son (my ex’s son) is in his last year of “high school” in Sweden and he is training to be a carpenter. When he decided this two years ago, my conditioned response was “but you need to get a university degree”. When I thought more, about who he is as a person, I shook that feeling away and thought “he will be financially secure, can work anywhere in the world, and he will have excellent skills”.

    I really enjoyed your piece. Thank you.

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  21. To say “I feel you” is an understatement. My degree is in English and when I told people I wanted to “teach,” most said, “you? Teach? English? You don’t even SPEAK proper English!” Like speaking and writing are the damn same. And because I say “finna” and “ya feel me?” I’m an animal. Lol.

    It took me a few months but I’m teaching. Going on three years. I’m still “me” as much as I can be, in the classroom and out. Keep pushing. You got this.

    🌻Peace & Light

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    • Thank you so much. It’s crazy how everyone talks about differentiation but then want all teachers to be the same and teach the same. Kids benefit from interacting with different types of people and teachers. Keep it up, I’m going on 13 years now and it’s still a struggle sometimes.

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      • Exactly! Here (South Florida), no matter how brilliant or how much you have to offer, you still are forced to teach to the damn FCAT. Standardized tests for all even though to different cultures, languages, and humans, nothing is STANDARD! Drives me nuts but I just try to teach love, understanding, and gratitude as much as possible. Thank you for sharing so much truth and for your encouragement. Means a lot. 😃

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  23. love it, Carlos! I know the feeling of being the outcast for doing what we go to school for: to learn. I got my degree. Then another on, Then another. Working my way toward PhD N.2. I can’t say it was a waste of time. Education has allowed me to create a rich inner landscape for my soul to be at home in. And given me plenty to share in my own as (as you do too). This can never be worthy of scorn

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  24. love it, Carlos! I know the feeling of being the outcast for doing what we go to school for: to learn. I got my degree. Then another on, Then another. Working my way toward PhD N.2. I can’t say it was a waste of time. Education has allowed me to create a rich inner landscape for my soul to be at home in. And given me plenty to share in my own as (as you do too). This can never be worthy of scorn.

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  25. I hope your students realize how lucky they are to have you as their teacher and I hope you realize that you make a difference not only in the classroom, but outside of it. I wish I had had more teachers like you when I was in school. You challenge people and you make them think (myself included). Like I said before, you have a wonderful gift.

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  26. “Carlos can you give us a Latino point of view?” Seriously? That was thought of as the entire scope of your identity? Over here – we have loads of multiculturalism issues – the U.S. is often cited as a successful hodgepodge of nationalities where each and everyone is defined by being American above anything else. You paint a very different picture.

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  28. Wow! Well done- that’s so relatable, I think, for everyone who’s ever been through the education system. It actually hit me quite hard, because I could really empathise with a lot of it. Still, I carry on my weary way towards uni… 🙂

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  30. I’ve surely been here…been there, done that: experienced that. The days when a Liberal Arts Bachelor degree could get you the world are long over. And if you end up studying the wrong thing til you come out, the labor supply you’re a part of MIGHT BE A DIME A DOZEN!

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  31. I was moved by your piece. As both a teacher and one who questions why the hell society is the way it is, I could totally relate to it. Yes, we are expected to grow up, go to college, and get a “good” job so we can get married, have kids, raise them to go to college so they can get a good job. It does seem strange.

    But if you find your passion, a job that makes you excited to get up in the morning, one that you find yourself planning for, trying to grow in, and one that makes you feel like you are making a difference, it can really give your life meaning. For me teaching is just that. What follows is a letter I got from a former student whose brother got caught up in gangs after I’d tried to keep him out.

    “Hey Mrs Woodward, this is ‘(name deleted)s bro… I spoke with him today and he was so happy and excited to hear of you! He sends his love and best wishes to you an ur loved ones. He is looking forward to touching down to his destination to purchase your book, he was also shocked and amazed to learn that you are a writer but not surprised on all the other skills you have towards helping others who are in need your hearts work… because thats the special gift you were blessed with, and always looked out for him with as not only a student but as as a true friend and mother role model as well as you knew we both hardly had… he asked me if it would be possible to ask for your address, to drop in with a few words, or possibly a phone # to contact you on a 3 way call or a letter by mail.

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  36. You left a “like” on my blog, so I came here to read. I am very moved by everything you tell here. The situation as far as schooling goes, in these times, is terrible. I am old, retired from teaching, a woman, and not Latino….but your passion and truth-telling strike me as real and good. Don’t give up!

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  37. Thanks for the “like” on my last piece.

    I can relate directly to your feelings on this. I got my degree and felt empty; the best part of the day was going to see “The Departed” after leaving the campus. I’m still conflicted about it to this very day,

    I know that i got it for the right reasons – as most of us probably feel – but the anticipation of it did not live up to the reality.

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  39. I totally agree with this. I was going to get a doctorate but realized most of the things I was doing were a waste of my time. A waste because they were taking me away from myself. And I am often called on, in class, to provide the female perspective and the Hispanic perspective. Sometimes it’s annoying, other times I think it’s cool.

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  42. This reflect the sad and ominous future that awaits me in a few years time. It’s so true, and in a selfish way, I’m glad that I don’t have to face the harsh reality of society alone. All of the harsh years we spend or ‘waste’ just for a few numbers or letters on a piece of paper. I’m really glad I found your blog.

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  43. Aaah – I was possibly that Asian kid in the class! 😉 Just kidding! But seriously I still get nightmares about it all – I am now middle aged but when I was in school and at uni – competing against millions, having to be the best among the best, I have seen friends and class mates commit suicides. Education was and still is the only way out , for middle class Indians and there is no respite from it all. So yes, I can relate to it all. Thank you for sharing.

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  47. Lately, I ask myself the same question, am I lost in that race? And this represents total reality, but that is life, and it’s full of injustice and prejudices.
    I think that energy you invested in studying is not wasted energy, no matter how hard sometimes may be to work and wait, and no matter how hopeless it may seem, it’s not wasted because you’ve learned so much, you became richer and more aware person. Just keep it up, don’t stumble because life is also full of lovely things and joys which your hard work will provide you. Try not to lose yourself in the race for money, find your balance, don’t forget to do things you love. Good luck!

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  49. Thanks for your visit to my blog. Your work is very thought-provoking. I used to work with a guy in a laundry, I left school at fifteen and he had an Art degree. ‘Life’ is the best and most educational university we can go to.

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  51. This was Awesome! I’ve been reading some of your posts and really like your blog. Thanks for stopping by Dish with Mish, I appreciate it. I am new to the game and I’m really looking forward to following you. I find you extremely interesting and talented.

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  52. I feel sad that you felt guilty about being smart and I hate that that teacher asked you to give the Latino point of view and the other teacher stood over you as you took a math test because you might be cheating, that he assumed that. Keep writing of course. Thank you for liking my blog. I ventured into teaching myself, in Special Education. I think I ran into ageism. Anyway, we are all teachers.

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  54. Brilliant honesty. I love the way this kind of inversely encourages individuality over doing what the system says, because we’re not machines, we’re humans with gifts. Also enjoyed the Latino perspective. My grandmother’s family is Mexican, and their love has always meant more than their statistical success or skin color. As a Christian, this also hits me hard in the way that understanding God’s will for my life, in creativity, in loving the people around me, and discovering what place He has for me in this world, is far more important than who schools, test scores, assessments, and human acceptances and evaluations say I am. Not gonna waste my time chasing a machine’s approval. Wonderful, man.

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  57. What a sad commentary on education! Very well written; I can feel the disappointment dripping from those words. I used to be a school music teacher, and I wondered what would happen if we encouraged the kids to excel in *what they were actually good at* instead of lying to them and telling them that everyone is equally good at everything by giving everybody a ribbon just for showing up. I always thought that devalued everyone’s efforts, but what do I know?? Of course, now I no longer really “use” my Music Education degree, even though I still love to play music 🙂

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  58. G’day Frausto,
    I read this and could feel your disappointment and frustration, albeit I feel a tinge of sadness, although not sure, if it is on your behalf or for my own lost young dreams. I was taken out of school and sent to work at the tender age of 13 years and nine months. A school education was lost to me. Inside I will always be embarrassed that I have trouble with the simple side of grammar, maths or science, but knowledge of the real world learned over the next four years served as my degree rewarding me, being one of the lucky ones that worked my way up to a position in an industry that I loved, doing for over forty three years a job that I would still be doing today if age hadn’t caught up with me.

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  59. my friend. this is only a response to the title of your post. i love your blog by the way. but please no no, education is not a waste. the dished out education when one places themselves in a position to where they are told what they need to know, is in deed a fucking ball of a clumpy shit spine shivering puke pedagogy penis flip flop fevers. however, self educating, can make you rise above the knowledge cell you get put in. knowledge is no joke power, like the ultimate power, and what is let to be known is mediated. knowledge is power. and all you need is some good resources and some good books, and you will own and send the ones that be in power into a bratty fit. i’ve done it, its hilarious. and kicks ass. and when you do this , and also in the process of this, let the world know, the facts with with personal exeriences for examples. degrees dont mean shit. your honorary degree is waiting. this is for artists and pets especially. the most fucked up thing. and also, i hate waiting for things to happen…. totally feel you. but things are. like this connection. much respect to you comrade

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  61. Like so many other’s this resonates with me. I always felt I had to represent the ‘working class’ point of view at my ‘middle class’ university and how the hell could I speak for us all.

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  63. Wow! I just read this. I totally understand everything you’re saying. Even though I’m going to be a 4th year student in college, I’m afraid to participate in class because my speech isn’t as eloquent as my peers, and I know what it’s like to be the only Latina in the classroom. I really needed this. Thank you 🙂

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  64. Thank you so much for posting this. I read this because I, too, felt that my education simply became wasted energy. Even now, my degree languishes in a drawer as my current jobs and career (three separate things) have nothing to do with the B.S. in Mathematics that it represents.
    I currently work in a supermarket and as a technician at an eyeglass repair shop, using both of these jobs to support myself as I write and publish my books. No math, or, at least, so little of it that I didn’t need a degree to gain the knowledge.
    However, I took a route that most people don’t, I’ll be the first to admit. I did spend two years after graduation searching for a job in my educated field, but everything I could think to look into needed loads of extra education. By the end of that two years, I woke up to the realization that this was not helping my dream (I’ve wanted to be a writer since I was thirteen), only hindering it and pushing it farther and farther away.
    What I’m trying to say is that you should focus on what you want out of life, on your hopes and dreams. If they fit with your degree and what you might be able to achieve with it, don’t give up! Never give up on what you truly want. Things might seem difficult, but life has a tendency to hand us situations that can give us all sorts of opportunities we might never have expected to find.
    (P.S. Thanks for liking my post at http://balanceofseven.com/2014/08/13/culture-building-religion/.)

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    • Hey my fellow Chicagoan – you’re in ChiTown grab some Lou Malnati’s and a couple of beers. Then, remember the piece of paper is only for getting through doors, after that you might as well chuck it in the Chicago River. It’s what you have inside – that’s what got you the degree in the first place…passion for life to make a difference. You don’t learn that in school. Anyway, nice write – hang in there.

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  68. Oh man, this stuff is so hard. You are speaking exactly what I was thinking in 2011 when I graduated. Three years later and I’m still studying. Sometimes I wonder if by 26 I should be on a “career path”. But studying IS part of my career path.
    Please give yourself at least two years to process your degree. It’s okay to have a “summer job” instead of a “real job”. And it’s okay to be unemployed as well. Your value as a person is intrinsic not capitalist. And your value as a writer is self-evident from this blog!

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  69. I just graduated high school and I’m not going to college (at least I haven’t decided if I will; I didn’t apply anywhere), but I can relate to this. I have no idea what to do with my life, advice is coming from all directions, and I don’t have a passion to follow. Thank you for writing this piece!

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  70. This piece really had me wondering. Many people go to college, but not because they want to. They are pressured by society and end up somewhere and someone they never wanted to be. I think if your happy without a college degree that’s up to you. It’s your decision.

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  71. Thanks for the follow! This was a beautiful read. I’ll be receiving my own piece of paper in the mail soon enough, so I really connected with it.

    “Nothing happens, and you don’t want the rest of your life to be like that. You tell yourself that you cannot let yourself fall into a trap: school, work, and then you die.”

    I worry I’ll fall into that same trap as well. Fight on!

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  73. Do you know “Working Class Hero” John Lennon? Similar experience at school. You know when teachers asked a question you were supposed to put your hand up. My hand was always up and the teachers would go out of their way not to ask me – but often had to as no-one else knew the answer. Finally I got fed up putting my hand up. Then they asked me and were clearly disappointed that I knew the answer. Seems I was showing the other kids up – can’t have a working class kid showing up middle class kids. Myself and most of my working class friends got degrees – it got us nowhere. Lucky to get any kind of job.
    Good, accurate description of how meritocracy is subordinated to social class at school. And a pleasing read.

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